By Doni Kandel
Political scientists, thought to have accounted for all possible economic and sociological side-effects of the controversial healthcare bill passed earlier this year, seem to have missed the phenomenon that many fear will have far-reaching effects. Anticipating that doctor’s salaries will decrease significantly as a result of the legislation (some say by as much as 15-20%) ObamaCare has profoundly shifted the power in the age-old Jewish battle of Mothers nagging their sons to go to medical school. In fact some say Sarah’s complacency in the sacrificing of Isaac was due to his refusal to go to medical school.
Widespread hysteria has correspondingly hit the Jewish Mother’s community as the yiddesheh mamas, infamous for nagging their underachieving spawn for failing to get that MD, now face the daunting challenge of losing a key weapon in their guilt repertoire.
Dave Kay, a single 32 year old assistant manager of a local Best Buy store, told reporters this week that, “President Obama has finally delivered the hope he had promised. I had the audacity to hope that this would be the year I would not cry into my soup during my family Passover seder, and I think I’ve got a good shot now. Now I am just a wife and a few grandchildren away from redemption.” When asked by reporters if he appreciated the poetic possibility of redeeming himself on Passover (the Jewish holiday of redemption), Kay responded, “it would be a nice change from the ever poetic slaughtering of the first born son,” while throwing up the popular “this guy” thumbs. “That has taken place for as long as I can remember.”
Researchers have posited potentially far-reaching implications, both positive and negative, due to this ego boost of Maccabian proportions. Some have presented the possibility that the flailing real estate market may now see a large bump in demand as swarms of Jewish sons liberate themselves from their parents’ basements in search of independent lifestyles for the first time. Additionally, the phone companies are encouraged by the proposition that without the ability to spy on their sons in their own homes, phone call frequency in the stalker range can be expected.
However, other researchers are profoundly concerned with the devastating effect this infusion of self-worth is having demographically. Many men, who have been babied by their mothers for far too long but are now brimming with self-esteem, have misguidedly asked out girls who are way out of their league. This may result in a widespread epidemic of women being turned off to dating altogether, thus stunting an entire generation’s population. There have already been a number of reports of matchmakers uttering sales pitches which would previously seemed insane, such as, “he does have a large mole over his right eye, but at least he’s not a doctor.” Willy Loman reportedly has been heard turning over in his grave.
Rahm Emmanuel, the former White House Chief of Staff who was instrumental in passing ObamaCare, is thought to have been an operative in an underground movement for the liberation of Jewish boys from the oppression of their mothers.
Senator Barbra Boxer (D-California) has gained a big bump from conservative voters in her re-election polling numbers since her announcement this week that she plans to vote to repeal the healthcare bill. The aging Jewish mother has grown increasingly alarmed after her son allegedly gave her some lip. She even went as far as to promise, “If he refuses to eat leftovers tonight I swear I’m joining the Tea Party”.
Esther Ashema, a 48-year-old Jewish mother from the Upper West Side of Manhattan remains calm, however. When asked if she was worried about her son finding the courage to cut the metaphorical umbilical cord, she responded, “Come back to me when his wife figures out how to make chicken soup that doesn’t taste like sewage.”